Killing You – Because You’re an Ass

During your life you’re bound to have people who don’t like you or annoy you. Even I have people I don’t get on with, as hard as that is to believe. And for most people they have to either put up with it and pretend they don’t make you want to claw your own ears off, or you punch them in the face repeatedly until they stop. Neither of those things are all that productive long term.

Writers have another method. A better method. We kill them.

Now, I’m not suggesting that there are legions of writers roaming the streets, murdering those who have annoyed them, like some sort of real life Sinister Six.

Besides, everyone would argue over who doesn't have to be the Vulture. Because he's awful. Really, really awful. The power to fly and be really old. Clearly you should fear him.

Writers have a much more subtle, and legal, way of dealing with those annoying people we have to put up with. We write them into our stories and kill them off with the written word, making their deaths or torturous existence something akin to therapy.

Now, yes, you can’t always use their real name or description, but you can use just enough so that not only do you, the writer, know, but that if that person read it they might… suspect.

Of course you don’t just have to write about people you have to put up with every day, an annoying work colleague or a neighbour who drives you nuts, you can write about the ass who cut you up in traffic, or the rude lady who didn’t say thank you for opening the door for her. It’s basically a way to get some measure of karmic satisfaction for yourself without the need to actually do anything that might end up with you in court pleading insanity.

'Because they were an asshole', is not the most well thought out defence.

So, if you’re a writer, the next time someone pisses you off, just know that you can get your revenge in a totally satisfying way that doesn’t get you into trouble. And if you’re not a writer, just remember this: Next time you piss off someone who is, don’t be too surprised if one day you read a book and there’s someone in it who sounds a lot like you. And they die in a horrible fashion.

Or you could save everyone some time and just not be an ass. But then if you did that, writers would need to invent a whole lot of new cannon fodder. So, in a way, thank you for be assholes. Just try to not do it so often. We can only kill you so many times before it gets dull.

For those of you who aren’t aware my début novel, Crimes Against Magic, launches on Monday. If you haven’t already read the prologue and first two chapters you can go: here, here and here.

I’ll be posting again on Monday to give the links to where the book will be available. So head back here then to get the info on where to pick up a copy. Or you could click on the follow button next to this post, and then you’ll get an e-mail when that happens.

Posted on April 26, 2012, in Crimes Against Magic, Writing and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 27 Comments.

  1. I confess I did something sort of like this in one of my books.

    I have a pet peeve about clowns who like to roar through crosswalks in front of places like grocery stores and swerve around pedestrians rather than – y’know – being considerate?

    It’s rather common in the city where I live – we have notoriously aggressive and inconsiderate traffic.

    Anyway, I wrote a little scene-let that addressed this. I’m curious whether some kind of karmic voodoo magic arose from it to smite an offender’s vehicle as a result 🙂

  2. Not only can you kill off of annoying people in your writing but also do major damage to organizations that annoy you. Maybe a charity that you volunteer for is going through a major restructuring. Restructuring can be very stressful and often volunteers are lost in the chaos. What wonderful therapy to make their national headquarters a target for terrorist. Maybe, just maybe, this time the terrorisst win and HQ goes boom in the night. For the story to work, some major organization had to be hit. Why not the one causing me the most stress at the moment?

  3. Brilliant! Had never thought of it in that way before! Looking forward to the book release.

  4. LOL, I love the logic in the literal murder of people. It is an ideal way to let your imagination loose without having to face a court of law and you can have a lot of fun. For example, if a politician is treating you like his secretary (you know screwing her over his desk) you have the fun of all sorts of delightful torture.

    One of my fav things is to read up on torture devices (or if you don’t like reading theres the wonderful Death Machines programme) that will give you some great idea’s and then you can have all sorts of fun.

    • I’m glad you enjoyed the post. I’ve had to do quite a bit of research into medieval torture devices too. I may well use a few of those on future people who annoy me. As they are horrible, I may save them for really special occasions. 🙂

  5. Whoo hooo! Monday! And, yes, I’ve definitely gotten back at people using the written word. I’ve killed them, I’ve humiliated them. I’ve made them the wimpiest, most walk-on-me-I’m-a-rug despicable characters in the book. And it felt good. 🙂

    • It really is a great way to let loose your pent-up anger or aggression over someone’s behaviour. The best bit is when you see them after and they have no idea… but you know. 🙂

  6. Making my own mental list of victims now 🙂 The hard part will be deciding who dies first! 😉

  7. Why are donkeys always so maligned by the ignorant? Your average ass works long hours for a pittance, and its reward? To have its noble character assassinated at every turn.

    *Grins* Whispers to self: That comment should be irritating enough to ensure a starring role, or at the very least a decent cameo, in Steve’s next book… Not that I’m desperate for fame and recognition or anything…

  8. I do this ALL the time, it makes me feel wonderful! And that does not sound good, but it does .

  9. A smashing post! I was just talking about doing this in my OWG. There are a few certain people in my life right now that I’d just LOVE to put in my writing, if only to kill them off later 🙂

  10. Haha, Yeah, I’ve done that.. .I’m saving a particuarly painful end for an ex 🙂


  11. I’ve never actually done this before but I have a feeling I will…lol
    Great post…love the title in particular.
    Very exciting that you’re novel is releasing on Monday, Steve!

    • I know! It’s a bit crazy to be honest. I spent all day yesterday tearing my hair out because it wouldn’t format correctly. Damn word. Glad you enjoyed the post, and you should try it. It’s fun. And relaxing. 🙂

  12. Hmmm…the possibilities. I say wherever you find inspiration, go for it! And Darcie, I remember those people you were going to kill off in your story – Happy Writing.

  13. I often channel my rage into my flash fiction. I even wrote a story about a woman who bludgeons her coworker to death with a stapler. Not that that particular thought has ever crossed my mind or anything….

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