Monthly Archives: November 2014

TMNT a Public Service

So, I watched the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film yesterday. Ordinarily I’d just write it off as another crappy Bay-esque movie (he didn’t actually direct it, but he did produce it), and move on.

 

This time I can’t do that. I can’t let others go through the 1 hr 45 mins I went through. So, here’s my little review.

 

I grew up watching the TMNT cartoon in the 90s. It was brilliant to my rose-tinted eyes. The other day I watched the original 1990s move with my youngest daughter, and apart from having aged terribly (MC Hammer, anyone) it’s still good fun. The current TMNT cartoon on Nickelodeon is great. The new film was not.

 

It was an easier time. Mostly because I was about 11.

It was an easier time. Mostly because I was about 11.

 

It did get some things right. I’ll list them. There are spoilers here.

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The scene in the lift at the end was funny.

The part where they’re all off their minds on adrenaline was also pretty funny.

Some of the action was okay.

The score was great.

The voice work was not always dreadful.

 

And now the wrong.

Megan Fox is awful in everything she’s ever in. This is not an exception to that rule.

Will Arnett is less ‘being cute and trying to get Megan to like him,’ and more ‘sexual deviant.’

William Fichtner is far too good to be given the stupid that he had to work with.

Most of the action was too fast, the camera too close, so everything zips along, but is hard to keep track of.

There are parts where it’s too dark to see what’s happening clearly (especially with the above problem).

Michelangelo wasn’t funny, but was incredibly annoying.

The plot makes no sense. The badguy wants to get rich. He’s already rich. It’s also needlessly complicated.

The Shredder is awful. It doesn’t look like he can kick ass, he looks like the something the original Shredder would have looked at and said, ‘I’m not wearing that shit’,

This picture really doesn't do the stupid justice.

This picture really doesn’t do the stupid justice.

The cgi isn’t good enough.

The doctors all act shocked when the bad guy kills someone, but they’re working for the badguy making something bad to kill a lot of people. That makes no sense at all.

It was stupid to make the turtles April’s old pets.

It was stupid to have Splinter teach himself martial arts from a book he found until he became a master.

The film takes itself far too seriously, and then it doesn’t, and then it does again, and then… you get the idea.

 

There’s more, but my head hurts.

 

Also in the comic Splinter is an utter badass.

Also in the comic Splinter is an utter badass.

The TMNT comics currently out by IDW are wonderful. They’re dark and action-packed, but still full of fun. They have heartfelt, character driven parts where characters actually learn and grow. Go read them, seriously you won’t regret it.

I think my biggest problem with the TMNT film is that it could have been great, but it’s not. The excuse, ‘it’s made for kids’, is crap. This isn’t even a film my kids liked, they’d have preferred a 90 minute version of the cartoon. Hell, they preferred the CGI Turtles movie from around 2007.

The Nick cartoon is good fun.

The Nick cartoon is good fun.

As silly as the notion of Ninja Turtles might sound, the comics prove that the idea can be done well. It’s a shame that this film is no where near capable of doing that.

On the plus side, it’s not worse than Transformers 4… but then neither is being savaged by a badger.

Prison of Hope Book Description

There’s no cover yet, but I thought that some of you might want to read the book description for Prison of Hope.

Enjoy.

 

Long ago, Olympian gods imprisoned the demon Pandora in a human – Hope – creating a creature whose only purpose was chaos and death. Remorseful, the gods locked Pandora away in Tartarus, ruled by Hades.

Now, centuries later, Pandora escapes. Nate Garrett, 1600-year-old sorcerer, is sent to recapture her and discovers her plan to disrupt the 1936 Berlin Olympic Games, killing thousands in a misplaced quest for vengeance.

Fast forward to modern-day Berlin, where Nate has agreed to act as guardian on a school trip to Germany to visit Hades at the entrance to Tartarus. When Titan King Cronus becomes the second ever to escape Tartarus, Nate is forced to track him down and bring him back, to avert a civil war between those who would use his escape to gain power.

Prison of Hope is the fourth book in the highly acclaimed and action-packed dark urban fantasy series, the Hellequin Chronicles.

Pre-order Prison of Hope

That’s right, Prison of Hope is available for pre-order on Amazon, right now. The release date is the 14th April 2015. Yes, I know that’s a bit of a wait, but to ease  the pain, book 5 will also be out next year (next Aug at the moment). So that’s two Hellequin books in one year. See, nice things do happen to people who have to wait.

There’s no cover for Prison of Hope yet. But here are the links for the UK and US store:

 

UK Amazon

 

US Amazon